Tony’s journal entry 4/26/2007
Another journal entry from Tony as he contemplates death. This time, he writes after the diagnosis. This is from April of 2007, so it is just before his first stem cell transplant.
I get mad at myself sometimes when I think about my death. It kinda of feels like the ultimate in selfishness because I like it and it fascinates me. I hope that doesn’t annoy you, God, and I ask for forgiveness if it does. For some reason, though, I like trying to envision my last minutes. Who I will be with and hope I am with. When I envision a quick death, I always picture myself saying something like “Please take my soul, God” like, say, before a car hits me. Its a a loaded statement and basically a shorted version a little add-on I say at the end of my prayers. I say:
“Whenever I should die, tomorrow, next week, a year from now, or 100 years from now, and if I should ever forget to ask again, please forgive me of all my sins and take my soul into heaven.”
What I like about this entry is that Tony had his own little understanding of how God works. Maybe he “annoyed” God? (A visual I adore: Christ throwing up his hands in despair because oh-what-did-Tony-Perolio-say-this-time?!) He wanted to make sure his bases were covered: “should I forget to ask again,” as if salvation is something that can slip a person’s mind. He had a real ask-forgiveness-not-permission friendship going on with God, it seems. And yes, I am 100% that Tony Perolio is in heaven, annoying the shit out of God as you read this.